Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Randomize
