Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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