I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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