she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I faked an abortion last night.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
