how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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