I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
