bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
