my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize