Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
