That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
