I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We have started to decorate penises.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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