we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
