Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Every concussion has its silver lining
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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