I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
