Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
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