I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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