You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
