I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
FUCK WHALES
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