My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
