I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Let's get the cat blown out
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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