Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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