Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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