just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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