Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
