I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
