Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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