The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
