sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
