She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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