Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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