if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
