Do you still have your period?
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
