Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think I am morally bankrupt
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
