the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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