Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
