Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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