Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
