And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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