I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
