my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
