THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 609 share tweet
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
