The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize