And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
