Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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