I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
