Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
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