Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
