So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize