No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize