So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
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