Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
