the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
