Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i love accidental penises.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
