Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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