Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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