seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
