even my farts smell like vagina
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
