I can tuck mytits in my pants
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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