where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
