either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
