Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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